We have been discussing American Culture and Deaf Culture in our class these past two weeks. Now that we have a better idea of the culture, lets take the opportunity to think about when people from these cultures marry. 90% of these relationships will end in divorce! This is an amazingly high number.
Information taken from:
http://www.zak.co.il/d/deaf-info/old/marriage
Introduction
The biggest difficulty, which most deaf people face in life, is socializing with hearing people. Nevertheless, several deaf people socialize with hearing people. Some of them even marry hearing people.
Deaf-hearing marriages have their own special challenges. The best analogies from outside the Deaf world are:
Marriages of people from different religious and/or cultural backgrounds.
Marriages between an able-bodied person and a disabled person.
Related links:
Deaf-Hearing Relationship - a blog by an hearing woman, who is married to a deaf man.
Hearing centered vs. Deaf centered marriages
(Contributed by Holly Geeslin at 30 Mar 1995.)
We have seen two kinds of deaf-hearing mixed marriages:
Hearing centered
The Hearing centered marriages have the following characteristics:
Hearing spouse answers the phone 100% of the time.
H is responsible for ordering food at restaurants.
H does all or most the planning and interacting in situations like - buying a house, fixing the car, getting a new hot water heater, etc.
H socializes frequently with hearing/non-signing friends.
H goes with D to their doctors appointments to interpret.
H doesn't feel comfortable with Deaf friends.
H often doesn't Sign well ("still learning").
H is primary language model for hearing (and sometimes DEAF) children.
Deaf spouse says things like (well, s/he isn't really ready to be around my friends, you know, still learning Sign.......it's a pain sometimes, but SO much easier for my (hearing) family......S/he couldn't come, s/he is home taking care of the kids.....etc).
D doesn't challenge or get involved in family decisions often.
D is passive when at home
D uses spoken English or simcom with H cause "it's so much easier for him/her."
D feels hearing people are the best language role models for children.
D has not yet been empowered.
Deaf centered
In Deaf centered marriages:
D/H both have Deaf friends and socialize mostly with them.
Sign is used at home when no one else is around.
D orders for self and sometimes for spouse, too in restaurants.
D does the "yelling" at the mechanic, doctor, or whoever provided poor service, when necessary.
D equally shares in family decision making or is primary decision maker.
D is a language role model for Deaf and Hearing children.
H doesn't "do for" spouse.
H is comfortable with both cultures.
H can understand Sign well enough to follow a group of Signers.
Disclaimers:
All of this is off the top of my head and very unorganized and I'm sure worthy of great revisions, but I think you can get my idea. My point is, in my experience hearing centered marriages are the ones which often fail or are unhappy.
The above categories are ONLY talking about SIGNING Deaf people. I haven't any idea how Oral deaf and hearing people get along in marriage.
Hints for Successful D/H Marriage
(Contributed by Holly Geeslin at 30 Mar 1995.)
Try to have Deaf-centered rather than Hearing-centered marriage (see the section about Hearing centered vs. Deaf centered marriages).
How your family communicates when children are born seems to be the maker or breaker.
Also, both partners ability to respect and learn from the others culture and language.
Should the Hearing Spouse help the Deaf Spouse in D/H Marriage?
(Contributed by Omer Zak.)
There is a couple of a Deaf man and CODA woman who works as Sign Language interpreter. They have a policy whereby the wife does not interpret for her husband. They say that she is his wife rather than his interpreter.
On the other hand, there is a couple of a very successful oral deaf man and hearing woman. The man says that he'd not marry a deaf woman. According to him, an hearing woman adds a very useful capability which facilitates several aspects of life. This is analogous to marrying someone with an occupation with high earnings potential.
(Contributed by Robert Rourke at 3 Oct 1995.)
As a matter of fact, I did not even think about the additional dimension of deaf/hearing relationships at all before my current 6-year relationship with a hearing lover, even long before my first two previous relationships with hearing people. Their (hearing's) personalities, ablities to understand, willingnesses, patiences, charmings, intellectuals and/or others are the more compelling reasons for me than their ability to help me in daily life.
(Contributed by Susan A. Pollack at 10 Oct 1995. She is a deaf woman married to an hearing man.)
On occasion, I have him make a phone call or do something inanely "hearing" for me, but that's not why I married him. The fact that he can hear doesn't add any real useful aspect to my marriage (and I'm not putting him down -- he knows this) because I'm an independent person and married him for the person he IS, not for his ears. I don't like to take advantage of the fact that he CAN hear because when I'm in a situation where he's not there to fill me in on what's going on, I can get even more lost because I'm not paying close enough attention to the situation or the people around me; I may end up expecting someone else to fill me in when they don't even know that they should.
The best thing my husband can do for me is tell me what someone said on TV when the captions are garbled or when they're not there at all. But that's not always a big deal either because I read the newspaper and talk about TV programs the next day with my coworkers.
If a person suggests that deaf people should marry someone who's hearing only because the hearing spouse can help out the deaf spouse all the time, he/she implies that the deaf person will (or even should) become dependent on the hearing person. What kind of life is that? I personally don't ever want to reach the stage where I have to ask my husband to be my interpreter everywhere I go -- what would I do if he left me? In some cases, it's good to depend on and get help from your spouse. But in the big scheme of things, it's better to depend on yourself.
QUESTION:
How can these couples meet half way. How can these couples remain happily married? Since we live in a hearing world, do you think that the hearing spouse has some responsibility to be sure that their Deaf spouse has all the same opportunities that they do?
Keep in mind this is your safe place to discuss the topics presented to you. Also, your questions and comments are welcomed!
Wow! First of all: I Like this article! I believe communication is key... no pun intended. If a H and a D want to marry, I think that the H needs to learn to become a fairly fluent signer. That way, signing is always an option for the two of them. I guess I am not sure of any other way to discuss how a D/H relationship would work unless I apply it to my own life. If I were to ever marry a D, I believe that would be wonderful. I LOVE to sign... it helps me express my words when I can't speak them. Also, I would sign in the home and when ever else I want to communicate with my spouse. The only time I would talk is when it would be a necessity.
ReplyDelete~L
Wow. I think that in an "ideal" marriage, if there is such a thing, each person 'fills in' what the other person is missing.
ReplyDeleteI don't think of this in a hearing/deaf way, but more of a social skills, emotional maturity, organizational skills, parenting, cooking, whatever. We all have strengths & weaknesses; ideally our partner is 'strong' where we are weak, and our strengths fill in their weaknesses.
In my opinion, a marriage like the Hearing centered one described above is an example of a 'parental' relationship, not a partnership.
Same thing with someone who 'marries for money' or status, or to be part of a certain family, etc. These types of relationships rarely work, no matter who is taking the 'parental' or 'childlike (subordinate)' role.
Why? I think because inevitably the 'caretaker' gets fed up with 'caretaking,' and the spouse who is in the subordinate role, eventually gets tired of not having any control, or 'say.'
I agree with Julie, in a hearing-centered relationship, I think the hearing spouse would get sick of always doing everything. I think that a deaf-centered relationship would work becasue that way both partners have equal part and feel that they are needed by the other, jsut like Julie said about strengths and weaknesses. I also think that the hearing spouse should be a spouse for the most part and not an interpreter. That is their partner, and for doctor appointments especially the patient should have an interpreter so their spouse can just be there for them.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Julie and Erin. I think a deaf-centered relationship would be a lot easier for both in the couple. It seems like both get to share a lot more responsibility than in a hearing centered relationship, where the deaf person relies on the hearing person, where they have most of the responsibility. I'm not really sure if they can meet halfway though. How many relationships in general are ever met halfway in the first place? Rarely any. I think it is very possible for any couple to meet halfway but a lot of effort needs to be put in by both people in the party.
ReplyDeleteErin, I think the 'spouse as interpreter' is a good point. The spouse is a SPOUSE! Having them be 'interpreter' all the time is asking for it to be a H-based relationship, and leads to the caretaker/subordinate roles...not a good idea.
ReplyDeleteI can't remember if it was in this class or ASL that Monica was commenting about having to translate for her daughter at an appointment, while trying to entertain her other child. There should have been an interpreter available so that Monica could be MOM and focus on her daughter's NEEDS, not 'working' as the interpreter. I think it would be confusing for her daughter as well...she needs Monica to be MOM. :)
All relationships require work and sacrifice, and communication is key. A hearing centered relationship would definitely not be as ideal as a deaf-centered one because the hearing person would not be a "spouse" but an intermediator between the deaf person and the world. The hearing spouse would be like a parent and the deaf person wouldn't be able to enjoy life as much; who wants someone to talk and do everything for them?
ReplyDeleteGetting to the point of a deaf-centered marriage is probable more difficult for couples though but in the end it would be more beneficial for a long-lasting marriage
Julie- sounds like the experience kicking in a little from your first post. I think we'd all agree that a spouse is a SPOUSE and shouldn't be responsible for no other job than to be the spouse. If you love someone enough, you would do anything in your powers to make their life easier... at least in an ideal world. <--- I am not sure where I was going with that one any more. All I have to say is three little words... Communication is KEY..
ReplyDelete~L
I think the deaf centered relationships are better on many levels. In general it empowers the deaf AND hearing person in the relationship! I do think the hearing spouse should make sure the deaf spouse has the same access and opportunites but NOT JUST because they are deaf. In a relationship both spouses should be supportive of each other and try to have the same opportunities as each other. I think the deaf person should try to gain similar opportunities for the hearing spouse the same as the hearing spouse should do for the deaf partner.
ReplyDeleteI was surprised that 90% of marriages between Deaf and hearing end in a divorce. I think that definate cultural and linguistic barrier would add a lot of stress to any relationship! I feel that in relationships where people come from two very different backgounds they need to spend a lot of time learning about the other person's customs, culture, and language. This makes for better communication so you know that a disagreement may just be based on a cultural difference. I feel that the hearing centered model is one where the hearing person has less respect for Deaf culture and looks at deafness as more of a disability. The Deaf centered model shows more respect and integration of cultures.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with what everyone is saying. I think it's important to incorporate both cultures to the best of the couple's ability. Although I feel living the relationship more centered around the Deaf culture would be a little more successful. The hearing person needs to know sign if the Deaf person signs. It is key to be able to understand what the other person is saying. Like Lindsey said, communication is key! But both the H and D person needs to understand eachother's culture to the best of their ability. I think it's also important for the couple to discuss what the other wants or needs from the other. For example: Is it ok for the hearing person to order for the Deaf person? It is little things like this that is vital for any relationship. If it isn't understood from the beginning of the relationship, then it's kind of doomed from the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Erica. It is important to involve both cultures in the marriage to make a great compromise. There would have to be more involvement from the deaf culture. I think it would work better for both to take strain off the relationship. If the hearing spouse was fluent in sign I think it would bring the couple closer and help them work together.
ReplyDeleteIn response to the second question, I believe that it would be important for the Deaf spouse to be responsible for making sure that they have the same opportunities as their hearing spouse. I believe that relationships in general would work best if each person took responsibility for their own growth--however, I also believe that having a supportive and sensitive (to the fact that we live in a hearing world) spouse is equally important as well. I don’t know exactly what I believe about how to make a relationship work--or how people remain happy in romantic relationships--but I am going to guess that it is has something to do with a lot of communication, self-respect, and genuine care for the well-being of the person you are in a relationship with. Lori
ReplyDeleteI think a way that these couples can stay happy is making sure to have try to keep good communication. It sounds like the the deaf centered relationship seems the most equal for both people. In a hearing centered relationship, the unequal responsibilities seem like they could cause resentment due to one feeling like they do everything and the other feeling like they don't get the opportunity to do anything.
ReplyDeleteQuestion for MONICA:
ReplyDeleteWhat was the hardest part about your marriage with your hearing husband? Most of the posts above talk about communication being the most important in any relationship. Do you think communicating was the hardest part?
This was and interesting blog. Since communication is a key part of a relationship I think that H and D couples struggle the most in this part of a relationship. Why I'm not sure. Maybe the hearing one doesn't work hard enough to sign with the deaf one or maybe the deaf one expects too much or vise versa. I don't think that its the hearing spouse's responsibility to make sure the deaf spouse gets equal opportunities. If the hearing spouse is doing everything for the deaf spouse they are going to loose their independence.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, we can run numbers all we want. We can talk about statistics from H and D couples and H couples and D couples - marriages mainly fail when people do not put forth the needed effort to make a marriage work.
ReplyDeleteI'm just saying we need to realize the reality of it - 50% of all marriages end in divorce, mainly because they are rushed and not ready to commit like that. Marriages succeed when BOTH people are able to compromise, make changes, and work together as a unit.
My point is, if an H and D couple want to marry, they better expect it to be tough, just like any other marriage. They need to both be willing to work hard to make the relationship function in a giving fashion.
I agree with Erica's comment. Both people should discuss with the other what they want and need in the relationship. Discussion and compromise are important in all relationships.
ReplyDeleteI seem to agree with what most people here are saying. Both people need to work together to commmunicate sucessfully in any marriage, the D H componant just adds another wrinkle.
ReplyDeleteThe hearing centered marriage almost sounds like d is taking advantage of h. Marrying them for their ears, at the same time, in a hearing centered marriage h doesn't make much of an effort to become a part of d's culture.
In every marriage communciation is key. If both H and D are good at communicating what they need/expect from eachother, I believe they can fall into the 10% of marriages that last.
I agree with Becky that it is so surprising that 90% of deaf and hearing marriages end in divorce! That is a sad statistic for sure.
ReplyDeleteLike Tyler, I also want to know the difficulties in monica's marriage reagarding communication too??
I also think that this is the an interesting article. Communication is a problem in many relationships, but I think that D and H marriages would be extra hard. Obviously there has to be a lot of effort involved on the H persons part. If they don't try at all, there will be no communication. I don't think that its fair for the Deaf person to have to give up their values or heritages. It is difficult to learn a new language but i feel that if you are in love, then it shouldn't be an issue. I agree with Jared in that both partners need to put forth the effort in a relationship, otherwise it will not work.
ReplyDeleteFirst, although I am divorced from a hearing man, I will say that I do not believe our marriage ended as a result of my being Deaf and my husband being hearing. There were other reasons that lead us to separating.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I will say marriage to a person that was hearing, was not always easy. Of course for him being married to a Deaf person was not always easy either. I will say that I was much more a part of the hearing world than he was a part of the Deaf world. I made great efforts to fit in but this was something I was used to and grew up doing, so it just made sense for me to do this in my marriage at the time.
I think that the hardest part being married to a hearing person was indeed communication. This communication did not need to be between us, it could be between the hearing and Deaf worlds. I tried very hard to fit into the hearing world but was not always able to do so. At times, I would try so hard that I would lose me. I would sacrifice so much of my own needs, that I was left very unhappy or feeling that I could not give enough. I also would ask for my husband to make phone calls for me and help me when I needed it. I never expected these things, but it did take its toll. There is always give and take in relationships but when you are in the hearing world all the time, it is hard to always give without needing to take in return.
Does this make any sense? Feel free to ask me questions in class, I am more than happy to share.
Monica
Well, communication is the basis of the relationship and neither should sacrafice their language, but rather add another. Incorporate both languages and both cultures. If they truly love each other they should be able to find an equal balance between the two and form a mutual understanding complete with trust, love and respect for not only one another, but also for their individual cultures. Each needs to give a little, but not so much that they lose who they are. Because they fell in love with the person they are and to give that up would be a huge mistake. I believe both people need to be willing and ready to work well with each other to split the responsibilites of household chores/work and the everyday life tasks.
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