We have been discussing American Culture and Deaf Culture in our class these past two weeks. Now that we have a better idea of the culture, lets take the opportunity to think about when people from these cultures marry. 90% of these relationships will end in divorce! This is an amazingly high number.
Information taken from:
http://www.zak.co.il/d/deaf-info/old/marriage
Introduction
The biggest difficulty, which most deaf people face in life, is socializing with hearing people. Nevertheless, several deaf people socialize with hearing people. Some of them even marry hearing people.
Deaf-hearing marriages have their own special challenges. The best analogies from outside the Deaf world are:
Marriages of people from different religious and/or cultural backgrounds.
Marriages between an able-bodied person and a disabled person.
Related links:
Deaf-Hearing Relationship - a blog by an hearing woman, who is married to a deaf man.
Hearing centered vs. Deaf centered marriages
(Contributed by Holly Geeslin at 30 Mar 1995.)
We have seen two kinds of deaf-hearing mixed marriages:
Hearing centered
The Hearing centered marriages have the following characteristics:
Hearing spouse answers the phone 100% of the time.
H is responsible for ordering food at restaurants.
H does all or most the planning and interacting in situations like - buying a house, fixing the car, getting a new hot water heater, etc.
H socializes frequently with hearing/non-signing friends.
H goes with D to their doctors appointments to interpret.
H doesn't feel comfortable with Deaf friends.
H often doesn't Sign well ("still learning").
H is primary language model for hearing (and sometimes DEAF) children.
Deaf spouse says things like (well, s/he isn't really ready to be around my friends, you know, still learning Sign.......it's a pain sometimes, but SO much easier for my (hearing) family......S/he couldn't come, s/he is home taking care of the kids.....etc).
D doesn't challenge or get involved in family decisions often.
D is passive when at home
D uses spoken English or simcom with H cause "it's so much easier for him/her."
D feels hearing people are the best language role models for children.
D has not yet been empowered.
Deaf centered
In Deaf centered marriages:
D/H both have Deaf friends and socialize mostly with them.
Sign is used at home when no one else is around.
D orders for self and sometimes for spouse, too in restaurants.
D does the "yelling" at the mechanic, doctor, or whoever provided poor service, when necessary.
D equally shares in family decision making or is primary decision maker.
D is a language role model for Deaf and Hearing children.
H doesn't "do for" spouse.
H is comfortable with both cultures.
H can understand Sign well enough to follow a group of Signers.
Disclaimers:
All of this is off the top of my head and very unorganized and I'm sure worthy of great revisions, but I think you can get my idea. My point is, in my experience hearing centered marriages are the ones which often fail or are unhappy.
The above categories are ONLY talking about SIGNING Deaf people. I haven't any idea how Oral deaf and hearing people get along in marriage.
Hints for Successful D/H Marriage
(Contributed by Holly Geeslin at 30 Mar 1995.)
Try to have Deaf-centered rather than Hearing-centered marriage (see the section about Hearing centered vs. Deaf centered marriages).
How your family communicates when children are born seems to be the maker or breaker.
Also, both partners ability to respect and learn from the others culture and language.
Should the Hearing Spouse help the Deaf Spouse in D/H Marriage?
(Contributed by Omer Zak.)
There is a couple of a Deaf man and CODA woman who works as Sign Language interpreter. They have a policy whereby the wife does not interpret for her husband. They say that she is his wife rather than his interpreter.
On the other hand, there is a couple of a very successful oral deaf man and hearing woman. The man says that he'd not marry a deaf woman. According to him, an hearing woman adds a very useful capability which facilitates several aspects of life. This is analogous to marrying someone with an occupation with high earnings potential.
(Contributed by Robert Rourke at 3 Oct 1995.)
As a matter of fact, I did not even think about the additional dimension of deaf/hearing relationships at all before my current 6-year relationship with a hearing lover, even long before my first two previous relationships with hearing people. Their (hearing's) personalities, ablities to understand, willingnesses, patiences, charmings, intellectuals and/or others are the more compelling reasons for me than their ability to help me in daily life.
(Contributed by Susan A. Pollack at 10 Oct 1995. She is a deaf woman married to an hearing man.)
On occasion, I have him make a phone call or do something inanely "hearing" for me, but that's not why I married him. The fact that he can hear doesn't add any real useful aspect to my marriage (and I'm not putting him down -- he knows this) because I'm an independent person and married him for the person he IS, not for his ears. I don't like to take advantage of the fact that he CAN hear because when I'm in a situation where he's not there to fill me in on what's going on, I can get even more lost because I'm not paying close enough attention to the situation or the people around me; I may end up expecting someone else to fill me in when they don't even know that they should.
The best thing my husband can do for me is tell me what someone said on TV when the captions are garbled or when they're not there at all. But that's not always a big deal either because I read the newspaper and talk about TV programs the next day with my coworkers.
If a person suggests that deaf people should marry someone who's hearing only because the hearing spouse can help out the deaf spouse all the time, he/she implies that the deaf person will (or even should) become dependent on the hearing person. What kind of life is that? I personally don't ever want to reach the stage where I have to ask my husband to be my interpreter everywhere I go -- what would I do if he left me? In some cases, it's good to depend on and get help from your spouse. But in the big scheme of things, it's better to depend on yourself.
QUESTION:
How can these couples meet half way. How can these couples remain happily married? Since we live in a hearing world, do you think that the hearing spouse has some responsibility to be sure that their Deaf spouse has all the same opportunities that they do?
Keep in mind this is your safe place to discuss the topics presented to you. Also, your questions and comments are welcomed!
In my own opinion, I feel that both of these relationships have got it right already. Im going to lump the to stories together because it seems that they are both about keeping independence. In this first case, it is a Deaf man and a hearing woman. They have agreed that the woman not be the interpreter for the husband because she is first and foremost his wife. I think this is the best way to got about it, I feel as though it could eliminate some stress on the wife and it gives independence to the husband. By no means am I saying there are not instances where the wife may want to translate or may feel it is necessary.
ReplyDeleteThe second case is very much the same way. I admire the woman's need/want to be independent. She wants to be able to "function", for lack of better term, in society. She feels that if her husband was to interpret everything she would lose or rely on others to get her information. Like she mentioned, what if for some reason she lost her husband...what would she do? This idea is somewhat related to what my parents have taught me, "live in this world and be able to support yourself and be able to get along in the world by yourself. You cant rely on someone else because if they leave you, you will have nowhere to go."
With all that being said, do I think that hearing spouses have a responsibility to get information to there deaf spouse? No, not necessarily. I think that is something that needs to be discussed in any D/H relationship because each one is different. Like these two stories, the spouses didn't want the help. Other D/H relationships may welcome the help. I guess if I was in a D/H relationship I would prefer to not be the translator, but if my partner wanted me to be I would do it for them to a certain extent. All in all when it really comes down to it every adult in the world is responsible for themselves...and I don't mean to make that seem so harsh, it's just reality.
I think that a happy and healthy relationship is all about love and respect for your spouse. This is true in D/D relationships and H/H relationships just as much as it is in D/H relationships. If you hearing and you fall in love with someone who is deaf (or vice versa), you are loving and accepting them for who they are and respecting who they are. I loved the first couple who said that she did not interpret for her husband because she is not his interpreter. That spoke loudly to me because I feel like that should be true of all D/H relationships. Now, I'm not saying that the hearing partner should not interpret or help their deaf lover, but they should let them be independent. I think that independence within a relationship is what makes it healthy. You can't depend on your spouse for everything, because what if one day you decide to part ways?
ReplyDeleteOne person mentioned above said that she uses her husband to make a few phone calls or fill her in on what's going on on the T.V., but she doesn't USE him for this reason or LOVE him only for it. She loves him for who he is, not because he can hear. I think that every couple that loves each other will do anything for them and always be there to help them out, not to run their life for them.
A hearing person in the relationship should not feel dominant or more powerful in a D/H relationship just because he/she can hear. That would not be a healthy approach to the relationship. A loving relationship has both parties as equals.
Conclusion: ANY happy marriage is about love and respect and accepting each other and loving each other for who they are. If you are the hearing person in the D/H relationship, help your deaf lover as much as they see necessary, but they shouldn't make the deaf person be dependent on them. Independence is important for everyone, no matter if you are deaf or hearing, and each partner must respect that.
I like what Omer Zak contributed – the man is deaf and his wife has the ability of hearing to interpret. They have a policy where the wife is not ‘allowed’ to interpret for her husband. I really like that point because it shows that when a D/H couple get together their main focus isn’t so much about deafness as it is their relationship as a whole.
ReplyDeleteI also enjoyed the fact that Susan A. Pollack contributed when she wrote about the woman who married an H man. She stated that she is an independent woman and does not rely on her husband or take advantage of the fact that he is H. I like that she said that she married him for his personality not for his ears.
I almost feel that the couples are meeting half-way. They both fell in love with each other for a reason other than being deaf. They both contribute to the marriage equally as they respect each other and really know who each other are. D/H couples, to me as portrayed in this article, seem to have a well balanced relationship based on the fact that their relationship is not centered on D or H advantages.
I am not a relationship counselor, but I think that these couples will have a long and happy marriage by being there for each other, supporting each other in everything they do, overcoming struggles, and are together when ‘disaster strikes’. Also they should not have one spouse being superior over the other, even if sometimes the D partner needs help at times. Also they should never act like they are a burden to you (the H partner).
In some ways I do think that the H spouse would have some responsibility in making sure their D spouse has all the opportunities that they do. If we were all the same life would be boring. I feel like, since we do live in an H world, the D people do have some disadvantage since some may not fully understand their culture. Just like what Monica experienced in the doctor’s office, I think people really need to help each other and lean on each other, no matter differences. We should all be there for each other.
Kara
I think these couples are on the right track. They can't have the other one do everything for them because then they wouldn't be independent. With two hearing people one is not more dependent on the other so why would it change when they are one deaf and one hearing? I know I couldn't be dependent on a husband, I am more of an independent type of person, if I don't do things my own time I am not sure they get done.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is about love, caring and family. In all types of relationships you love your spouse or significant other for the person they are and the personality they show you, not for the things they can do that are different then you. Even though in a H/D marriage one can hear and one can't, they don't love the other one for what they can do different.
Everyone in the world is different. If you tried to make a couple with two of the same people that would be really hard. I feel they would get along worse then people that are complete opposites. Either way marriage is a mutual attempt to live happy and healthy together. It is equal and there should be nothing that changes that.
Makes me wonder if there are some couples who expect their partner to be an interpreter...
ReplyDeleteThere may be couples that expect there partner to be an interpreter and those couples are probably the ones that either don't work out in the end or have some problems. Because the one that is supposed to be the interpreter would start to feel like a middle person and get sick of it. At least I would if that was me..
ReplyDeleteSara M
I think that in any healthy relationship you have to give and take things. Sometimes those things aren't what you want but you do it to make your lover happy. In a D/H relationship I do think that they are faced with challenges and they may be different then a H/H relationship or a D/D relationship but that certainly doesn't define who they are or how there relationship is. I feel that in a healthy relationship you have to work through those challenges that you are faced with and continue to have a balance.
ReplyDeleteI think that these couples can remain happily married but just communicating with one another. This could happen many different ways but understanding each others needs or wants is very important. I think that it is also important that you don't just rely on one person to do everything. In a relationship you are still and individual in someway or another. I like how one couple had stated that, you can't rely on that single person all the time because what if your lover left you? Then what are you going to do?
Although we do live in a hearing world I think that if your lover is deaf yes, you certainly need to be there for s/he but making sure that your deaf lover has all the some opportunities as you? That is a tough question, but I do think that you as a hearing person should help a deaf lover experience some things that you do in the hearing culture and vice versa.
Some very good points. Marriage is about give and take. However, marriages between Deaf and hearing have a very high divorce rate, 90%! Why do you think this is?
ReplyDeleteMonica
Monica- It is such a sad fact that 90% of deaf and hearing marriages end in divorce. Since I don't know a lot about deaf and hearing couples, it's hard to really pin point the reasons. Maybe it's about the language barrier. I think that our language and communicating with people that also speak our language serves as a comfort for us. Or it could be the interpreting part where the partner feels as though they are their lover's interpreter.
ReplyDeleteYou out of all of us would know better, since you were married to a hearing man. If you don't mind me asking, what sorts of things did you find troublesome being married to a hearing man? And what sorts of things made being married to a hearing man really good? I think it would be interesting to get your personal opinion on hearing and deaf relationships!
I agree with what Sara said how being in a DH relationship the hearing partner could almost feel used in a way as an interpreter. On the other hand - most of the deaf people I have met are very confident and very independent in that area.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Jordann - it would be an interesting point of view if Monica would share a little bit about her marriage - but on the other hand I understand how you would want to keep that private. If not your marriage, maybe someone else's marriage you could expand on a little bit. It definitely would be a great insight on a real life situation.
Kara
Like all relationships, I think it is important to meet halfway. Despite the fact that the couples have hearing/Deaf differences, it's important to meet halfway and accept each other for who the other person is as a person instead of defining one another by your hearing abilities. Although it would be very easy to depend on each other in different situations, i think it is important to have an equal relationship.
ReplyDeleteThese examples really got me thinking because my roommate's friend from came from a deaf/Hearing family. Her dad was born deaf and used sign as his primary language. He then met her mother, who is hearing, and they both accepted each other's culture very well. Her mother worked very hard to learn sign, while her dad got a CI and now does much more speaking than before. I loved hearing about this!
For the fact that the union of marriage has changed drastically in last decade, marriage has a complexity to it already. Then, when two people one deaf, and one hearing decide to get married, yeah, they are going to face more struggles than an average married couples. Furthermore, I am not certain that these relationships have ended because one person was deaf and the other was hearing. I also do not think they ended their relationships in divorce because daily communication became a chore. I feel like those things may have been a big contributor to their divorces, but on the same note I think there were already issues within these relationships that could have been there all along, but did not surface until they faced hardships. It is not until a person is weak, and very dependent that they see their partners true colors (in my opinion).
ReplyDeleteNow, I am not a marriage counselor nor do I have a years invested in a marriage. What I do have is observational skills that tells me how easily one can become dependent when they are given everything. Sure, a spouse "should not" become dependent on the other, but at the same time, why not? Yes, yes, everyone wants to establish some type of independence, and autonomy before they get old and die, but there is nothing wrong with a little help/assistance here and there. I think the main thing people need to do in any relationship is to remember that they are on the SAME team, they both want the same thing. It is hard to articulate at times, but with enough love, patience, and commitment anything is possible.
There are things the H/D person could do to improve the relationship, the main thing is to constantly, constantly communicate. I cannot express the importance of communication in relationships. With communication a simple argument about forgetting the milk would not explode into a big altercation about something that happened a year ago. When things are not addressed, it is easy to hold resentment and that alone can lead to a divorce very quickly. Also, finding things that are of equal interest to do, and people do not realize how important it is to keep their partner happy, and enjoying everything life has to offer.
For the last question, I think every spouse has the responsibility to do WHATEVER it takes to help their partner if that means helping them understand something, or helping them go to the bathroom, marriage is a sacred bond that has no contract as to HOW far one should go to help their partner. I do not mean to seem insensitive, but I think it is the deaf persons responsibility to not necessarily RELY on the help of others, but to look at any type of help as a privilege, because God gave each of us a gift, and it is up to us to use it at the best of our abilities. And I think because people see marriage as a temporary thing, they just get frustrated and give up if it is not working. More often than not I hear " Well, if it doesnt work out, I can just get a divorce." No, it does not work that way. One should never go into a marriage with that negative mindset. What happened to the traditional vows? I think those who do end their marriage in divorce, especially in this situation are cowards because they knew how their life would change BEFORE they got married.
Porsche
I also agree with Kara about how Omer Zak was talking about his wife, and how they do not necessarily focus on him being deaf, but the idea that they have both become apart of the deaf community, together. I think that entire concept of being a team in a relationship is the best way to describe how it should be. Kara made a point about how the H spouse should have SOME responsibility to making sure their D spouse has all the opportunities that they do. I could not agree more, if you can help someone who has challenges that you do not face, why not make their life a bit easier? For the fact we live in an individualistic society, and our ways of life have been affecting our relationships, and the way we interact with people. We are so used to doing things that benefit us, or thinking of ways we can be better than our opponent. I think a lot of the H in the relationship can become so consumed with their “advantage” and in a way, hang that “power” over the head of the D person. Consequently, those who choose to in their marriage in divorce because they could not handle the daily “hassles” of being married to a D person probably will have another divorce in their lifetime. Yes, times get hard, but no one ever said giving up would be so easy either.
ReplyDeletePorsche
hello all good job.
ReplyDeleteMonica